“I didn’t realize I was autistic until I was trapped in a cycle of burnout survival.”
For thirty-six years, I thought everyone felt this way. That every person left social gatherings with their nerves frayed like exposed wires. That everyone rehearsed conversations in the mirror and still felt like they’d failed. That it was normal to need three days alone after a single dinner party.
Then came The Crash.
It started with small things – forgetting words mid-sentence, crying when my shirt tag touched my neck, staring at my work computer like the screen was in another language. Within months, I could barely get out of bed. My doctor ran tests for everything: thyroid issues, vitamin deficiencies, chronic fatigue syndrome. All normal.
The truth? I wasn’t sick. I was autistic – and decades of masking had broken me.
What is Autistic Masking?
Masking (or camouflaging) is when autistic individuals consciously or unconsciously suppress their natural behaviors to appear neurotypical. It’s not just “being polite” – it’s an exhausting performance that includes:
– Forcing eye contact until your eyes burn
– Memorizing social scripts like an actor learning lines
– Suppressing stims (self-regulatory movements) until you’re alone
– Laughing at jokes you don’t understand
– Mimicking others’ body language and tone
A 2017 study in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders found that autistic adults spend an average of 6+ hours daily consciously monitoring and adjusting their behavior. Imagine holding a plank for that long – that’s what masking feels like neurologically.
The Science Behind the Crash
Cortisol Overload: The Stress Hormone Crisis
Research from the University of Cambridge revealed terrifying findings:
– Autistic maskers show chronically elevated cortisol levels – similar to soldiers in combat zones
– This leads to HPA axis dysfunction (your stress response system burning out)
– Over time, this causes physical deterioration including immune system suppression
Dr. Wenn Lawson explains: “When we mask, we’re essentially in a constant state of fight-or-flight. The body isn’t designed to maintain that long-term.”
The Cognitive Cost of Performance
A 2020 an Autism Research study found:
– Masking requires enormous cognitive load, leaving fewer mental resources for basic functioning
– Participants showed significant IQ drops during periods of heavy masking
– This explains the “stupid moments” many late-diagnosed autistics describe
The Identity Erosion Effect
Perhaps most devastating is what masking does to our sense of self. A 2022 study in Autism in Adulthood found:
– 78% of late-diagnosed autistics reported not knowing who they were beneath the mask
– Many experienced dissociation and depersonalization
– This identity loss correlates strongly with suicidal ideation
The Masking Hangover Cycle
1. The Performance: Push through discomfort to appear “normal”
2. The Drain: Energy reserves deplete faster than they can be restored
3. The Crash: Physical and mental systems start failing
4. The Shame: “Why can’t I handle what others can?”
5. Repeat: Because the alternative seems like giving up
This cycle continues until autistic burnout hits – that terrifying state where your body simply refuses to cooperate anymore.
Breaking Free: How to Recover
1. The Permission Slip
Give yourself written permission to:
– Stim freely
– Decline social invitations
– Communicate in ways that feel natural
– Exist authentically
2. The Unmasking Hierarchy
Start small:
1. Private unmasking (home alone)
2. Safe people unmasking (with trusted individuals)
3. Public unmasking (small accommodations like wearing headphones)
3. Nervous System Repair
– Polyvagal theory exercises: Humming, rocking, weighted blankets
– Stim breaks: Schedule them like meals
– Sensory diet: Regular input that regulates (not overwhelms) you
A New Narrative
That crash wasn’t your failure – it was your body’s last attempt to get your attention. Masking isn’t a skill, it’s slow-motion self-abandonment.
As autistic researcher Dr. Devon Price writes: “No one thrives when they’re forced to live as someone else. Your unmasked self isn’t too much – it’s exactly enough.”
Where have you been masking without realizing it? Share one small way you’ll honor your needs today.